This subject could take a whole book and not just a few words so for this blog it will be one of the things that tends to make a relationship fail. 

What attracts you to a partner in the first place?

You might say you find them attractive, or you could say you fancy them, they turn you on or they make you feel special or comfortable or make your heart race, they are kind and a hundred other things you might say to explain how that person has the potential to be special to you.

You've heard the term 'opposites attract'?  That is very true in some relationships.  But let me expand, you are not attracted because you think you will have someone that you can have deep meaningful discussions with about your differences, you are not attracted because you enjoy the arguments that might ensue as you clash on most things or one of you capitulates. 

No no no you are attracted because  you want some of what they've got.

So if you are quiet and shy, your greatest desire would be to behave like the life and soul of the party.  Equally that person would know that its not always the easy option, putting all that effort and energy into being the entertainer in a group and they would gladly like to be comfortable enough with themselves to sit back occasionally and let someone else do the work.  They would want some of what appears to be your cool, calm laid back approach.

So actually you are attracted to the best effort you both are able to make in order to present yourselves favourably.

If it was clear that you felt very socially awkward and your attractor felt anxious to impress then you might see each other differently.

What goes wrong with these relationships.

If you get entwined with this person who you feel attracted to and you are prepared to be patient.  Then you are admiring of them for a while and you are prepared to sit it out in the hope that some of the attitude will rub off on you.  And you wait and you wait.

While you are waiting you also begin to see chinks in the armour.  You see that all is not quite as you thought it was  as those behaviours begin to become exposed for what they really are.  You begin to feel annoyed with the behaviour that you once admired.  You feel cheated and crushed.  You feel over or undershadowed and you don't like it.  The rot is beginning to set in.

How to survive your opposing relationships

It makes sense really, while you are fighting to impress you are alienating each other.  If youa re able to talk things through and talk about the insecurities that you experience that make you behave the way you do, you can begins to understand each other.  This trust and understanding give you support and hopefully if you keep talking and caring then you willdepend on each other for different reasons and will start to feel more confident in yourselves knowing that you have someone who cares about you.  Forotunately these days more couples are talking and supporting each other emotionally and were once men couldn't talk about these things they are now able to do so.

If you are with someone, male or female, who is not prepared to talk things through then you will have a struggle and the relationship may eventually end. 

You need to find your support from developing an awareness about yourself, attending courses in self help and self empowerment in order that you can keep yourself safe during the resolving of the relationship.

Andrea Lowe

Senior Hypnotherapist.analyst and Hypnotherapy Diploma Course Tutor